Monday, January 4, 2010

Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Rally

via email:

Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said on high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.

.

19 comments:

Tracy Habenicht said...

You should note that this story isn't actually real.

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i66233

Miguel said...

Pity it is a fake but I did get me chuckling.

Anonymous said...

I figured it might not be real after reading through it, but it's still so funny I was almost a danger on the highway while driving home.

B Woodman
III-per

Rustmeister said...

No, not real, hence the "humor" tag.

Funny as hell, though.

Anonymous said...

I so wish it was true. It would have made my day.

Tam said...

It may not be real, but it's packed chock full of truthiness. :)

And it made me smile. Nothing is sweeter on the tongue than the tears of a hippie.

MadRocketScientist said...

The sad thing is, it isn't true.

Our world would be a better place if the PETA types would pick on targets much more willing to fight back.

Rich old ladies and pampered socialites are nearly as dangerous as some hairy, mean bikers.

DirtCrashr said...

If it's not real, why not? Let's MAKE it real! Let's agitate our way to reality! Hope and Change and Tofu! :-)
If a Tofuttian dies in the Forest, do its tears stain the Earth?

Tracy Habenicht said...

MadRockScientist said:

"Our world would be a better place if the PETA types would pick on targets much more willing to fight back."

Our world would be an even better place if people picked on targets much more willing to fight back. Instead we imprison and murder billions of chickens, pigs and cows every year simply to satisfy our taste buds.

Malamute said...

"Our world would be an even better place if people picked on targets much more willing to fight back. Instead we imprison and murder billions of chickens, pigs and cows every year simply to satisfy our taste buds."


So, are you promoting the concept of canibalism? I'm afraid I can't get behind that idea.


I'm ok with things the way they are, tho I don't mind going out and finding my meat still on the hoof in their native haunts. Wild meat is healthier than store bought. Most of the health related comments about "red meat" don't apply to wild meat.

Regards, Malamute

Michael said...

"Our world would be an even better place if people picked on targets much more willing to fight back. Instead we imprison and murder billions of chickens, pigs and cows every year simply to satisfy our taste buds."

Oh, shall we chase them down and attack them with our teeth and hands like their 'natural' predators would?

Keep in mind, there wouldn't BE billions of these animals if we weren't farming them. Destroying the food industry would mean that all of those animals starve to death, since nobody will shoulder the cost of feeding them.

Rustmeister said...

"Instead we imprison and murder billions of chickens, pigs and cows every year simply to satisfy our taste buds."

Well, we're actually satisfying our nutritional needs, as we are omnivores.

What I don't understand is why self-righteous veggie lovers don't have a problem with the thousands and thousands of field mice, voles and other small animals destroyed by the harvesting of grasses and grains.

I mean, if they're not killed outright by the harvest, they die because their habitat has been destroyed.

I guess smaller animals don't have feelings....

Tracy Habenicht said...

Michael, the meat and dairy industries are going to die gradually -- they already are. So no animals are going to starve to death. Don't worry.

Rust, if you really care about the mice, etc., that's a great reason to go vegan. After all, the cows, pigs and chickens you eat have to eat plants first. Therefore, if you cut out the middlemen, fewer plants would need to be harvested.

Tam said...

Y'know, I wouldn't care if a salmon begged for mercy on the hook, screamed all the way to the plate, and struggled going down.

And if humans tasted like picanha, I'd be Hannibal frickin' Lecter.

tanksoldier said...

Tracy Habenicht said...
You should note that this story isn't actually real.


Really? Eco-terrorists who are happy harassing a little old lady in a stole but aren't stupid (or brave) enough to throw blood on a Hell's Angel? Do tell.

Excuse me but I've a hunk of dead cow on the grill I've got to check...

og said...

You know, people, there are plenty of folks that think plants deserve to live their lives too.

And then there are the sane people who we refer to as 'omnivores'

tam, you open that restaurant- call it Potbellied Long Pig, maybe, and I'll be there to help you cut the ribbon. Tracycan be the guest of honor.

mmmm. Grass fed retard. Mmmm.

Anonymous said...

Ya know, I've heard that the word "vegan" comes to us from the Lakota words for "lousy" and "hunter"

Just sayin' :P

monkeyfan said...

Eeek!
Soylent Green is Tofu!

Divemedic said...

Tracy sez: "Michael, the meat and dairy industries are going to die gradually -- they already are."

Tracy: Where do you get your facts from?The Humane society reports that per capita meat consumption has risen from 144 pounds in 1950, to 222 pounds in 2007.

According to the USDA, the United States alone produces 96 million head of cattle a year for beef production. That is 1/3 of a cow for each American, and that doesn't include imported beef, or all of the other meat animals.

But hey, don't let the facts get in the way of your FEELINGS.